Monday, March 26, 2012

50/50

If I had the chance to get the super powers I have always wanted, but in order to get them I have to be subject to some for of radiation that has a 50% chance of killing me,  I would still take that chance. However, if I had the chance to get the super powers I have always wanted, but in order to get them I have to be subject to some form of radiation that has a 50% chance of giving me extremely painful cancer, I might have to rethink.

Get powers = Instantly become hot (Patrick Brown's art is kickass)


Anyone like me who loves fantasy, watching fantasy movies, playing fantasy games or reading fantasy stories, you can probably sympathise with my situation. If not, you can still sympathise because I have a strong feeling that everyone in existence has imagined at one point or another what it would be like to have super powers of some kind. My favourite source of imagining is the X-Men, the first thing people think of when mentioning "Mutation". Seeing as the majority of mutations on our genetics are bad, it's unlikely that random human beings are going to wake up with the power to control metal, teleportation or super-healing capabilities. This doesn't mean that I can't imagine what I would look like if I were on the same team as Wolverine and Professor. X. Also, I like the idea of being surrounded by incredibly sexy men and women with RIDICULOUS MUSCLES who all have mutual sexual tension between at least three different people. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to hang out with Wolverine and Gambit any time soon, not just because they are fictional characters, but because mutations of that calibre are less likely to occur than a meteor made of alcoholic gummy bears crashing into the middle of Australia (fingers crossed anyway).

The next solution, like anyone who has ever seen any monster/hero/horror/fantasy/sci-fi film, would be to go swimming in a pool fool of toxic waste chemicals. Seriously? Anyone dumb enough to go swimming in florescent green goo deserves the weird mutations they get. And by mutations, I mean tumours. Because that's what they are going to get. Where does anyone even get toxic waste these days? Can you get it off eBay or does every city have an abandoned factory filled with barrels of the stuff? Psssht. Idiots. If you REALLY want to get super powers, don't use radioactive waste, use the radiation that it came from! That's how the ninja turtles were created right? (Before Michael Bay decided to make them aliens. Jerkface. They're called Teenage MUTANT Ninja Turtles for a reason). So if you're going to cover yourself in fluorescent goo, make sure it's the one that makes you awesome, not dead.

Option three that may give me super human powers: get possessed/gifted by an alien being. I'm no Scientologist, but I do believe somewhere out there has to be a species that has the ability to either fly, consume raw energy or just has plain old lazer eyes. Although similar to the toxic waste idea, I've got a 50/50 chance of ending up like a human donut if the alien who chooses me for a host isn't benevolent in some way. Although I wouldn't mind being a super villain if I get some cool powers out of it. My alien host/master and I could enslave all humans to do our bidding and raise an army to conquer the galaxy. But of course that won't work out because I have absolutely no desire to look after a large chunk of the universe when I can't even be bothered to make my bed some days. Also humans complain a lot and I think as a slave race we will successfully smart-arse our way into extinction. If in fact a wonderful alien race visits are lowly little planet who are similar to Vulcans or the Asgard (if you don't know what those words mean, don't worry, it just means you have a life) and I am "chosen" to possess highly advanced powers, I doubt I'd be allowed to do what I want with them. It'd be like your parents giving you a bicycle but telling you not to ride it anywhere but in the backyard, don't do any cool jumps, and don't use it to taunt your friends who don't have an awesome bicycle . . . that can shoot lazer beams. God damn I want lazer beams. YOU'RE LETTING THE TEAM DOWN, SCIENCE!

If I did get super powers, I think I'd spend about a week trying to be a super hero before I remembered I can't sew a costume, there are no hot reporters for me to get jiggy with, and Brisbane Australia is such a god damn small place the only crime I would have to fight would be the drunken racist bogans prone to fighting everyone. And that consists of over 30% of our population. Our jails aren't that big.

Oh well, I guess I should be grateful I don't have the responsibility of saving the world, but having powers would be pretty god damn awesome. Now I just need to find me some radioactive waste and an inflatable kiddy pool and I'll be set! To the internet!

P.S - If you like that sexy chick, check out Patrick Brown's artworks on Deviant Art. They are AMAZING:

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