Friday, March 16, 2012

The Best Way to Die

Kickass Artwork by AlbertoArribas on DeviantArt

I hope one day in the future the Zombie Apocalypse will actually happen.

I have reasons for this. Mostly in relation to articles I read on the internet and my own sick fantasies but valid and interesting none the less!

Reason 1: Population Control

We humans have grown quite a bit as of late, what with all that wonderful fornication and technology, and pretty soon we are going to come to a point where we will start to outnumber our own resources and general space. Since we are no where near moving on to a different planet because our space programs are apparently frivolous things to spend money funding *cough* not *cough*, we are pretty much screwed. Unless, miraculously, we gain a predator above us on the food chain. Enter: The Zombie. If all of a sudden a large portion of the human population was to be taken by an incurable plague (terrible as it sounds) we would be forced to compete against these monsters for survival. And with a spreading number of predators, the population would eventually decline until the only remaining people are those well equipped and smart enough to survive. Then we can get back to the fun of repopulating.

Reason 2: Experience

Whenever I watch reality television, have my fashion choices mocked by "professionals" or just witness moments like this, I like to think these people are going to have their brains feasted on first when the Z.A comes. I of course don't mean any insult to fashion designers, hair dressers or people who make their children dress like Barbie Junior for competitions similar to parading live stock, it's just that if any of them were put in a survive-or-die situation you know they are going to be the first to get mauled. I, whoever, would like to have someone on my team who knows how to build or fix an engine, grow or forage food, or can figure out a way to make water safe to drink using nothing but a lead pipe and some cling wrap. But . . . you know . . . if I need a bite resistant coat that doesn't clash with my hiking boots, I'll be sure to ask that zombie over there wearing the latest fashion for advice.

Reason 3: Exercise

Is it just me or have we all gotten lazier since the internet was invented? Personally I find it hard to find the motivation to go outside for something as simple as a walk when I could be looking at funny pictures of cats or videos of people getting hurt. Now add some zombies to daily life and all of a sudden the weight just disappears! It could have something to do with the adrenaline flowing through your blood stream when dodging the walking corpses on your daily drive to work, it could also be the effort required to lop off heads wielding your chainsaw, but most likely it's going to be all that wonderfully healthy cardio exercise running for your life.

Reason 4: Living in the Moment

You know those things you've been putting off because you either don't feel like it or think it can wait 'til later? Well any moment your now decomposing boss could come smashing through your hidey-hole and no-one will ever know your story because you couldn't be bothered keeping a journal. Now who looks like a fool? You do, you and the rest of your partially eaten friends. Shame on you. You should have at least told the pretty girl who used to be a hairdresser you thought she was cute. There's nothing better than We-could-literally-die-at-any-moment-and-I-would-rather-have-sex-with-you-while-your-flesh-hasn't-rotted-away Sex. That, and weapons can be a major turn on for some people (including me, Giggity).

Reason 5: Prejudice

Zombies don't care what colour your skin is, who you worship, what country you come form, your gender, political views, favourite television show, career, weight, or marital status. They just want your delicious brains. Which in a way makes them the most unprejudiced being on Earth, and doesn't that just say something about our society when a fictional horror genre is more tolerant of others than real living people. Tsk tsk.


So next time you are wishing for a world-wide calamity to keep you amused or so your ex suffers a horrible and well-deserving fate, consider the Zombie Apocalypse: the most fun and rewarding end to all of humanity and modern society. And if you are thinking "Hey, but what if something bad happens to me? I mean, I don't want to be a zombie!" Well my friend, I don't have a good reply to that yet, so here's a sunflower singing a fun little song.

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