Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Ice Ice Baby Is Me

It's getting ever so close to winter here in Australia, all the way down under, on the underside of the world, where we need to wear special shoes to stop us falling off the Earth; and it's starting to get to that point where every single person you talk to says "It's so damn cold! I can't wait for summer!

Really? Really Mister I-live-in-a-tropical-state? You think it's cold? You think, that this little city that has NEVER seen snow before is cold? Oh, okay. Please tell me again how you think you might be getting frostbite.

That's pretty much how it goes around this time every year. And the funny part is that it's still technically Autumn.

I should explain for the people who don't live in Brisbane, or Australia that Queensland is called "The Sunshine State" for a good reason. We have the highest rate of skin cancer, the lowest average level for high school intelligence and is widely considered to be a very stupid "Holiday" state filled with banana farmers and surfers.

While partly true, it could be because the majority of the Queensland population live on, or fairly close to this:



Now, if you lived next to this, wouldn't you stop caring about everything except the temperature of the water too?

This is probably the reason I like the cold. After years of getting excited over a large array of lagoons, creeks, rivers, billabongs, beaches, oceans, lakes, dams, ponds and reservoirs, the thought of splashing around in the water doesn't excite me like it used to.

The above picture is pretty much what every Australian within comfortable travelling distance of water does for almost every holiday or long weekend (besides a BBQ); and while it's still a special occasion, it's like going to the same theme park every time you have a day off: the rides may be fun, but you start to consider throwing yourself off the roller-coaster after you've ridden it for the 42nd time, just for something different.

I'M NOT SICK OF BEACHES. They are awesome and every year around Christmas I suddenly have the uncontrollable urge to throw myself into the ocean repeatedly (like all normal Australians do). I just like the cold better.

Why, you may ask? Well firstly: I am so white, an albino would look like Snooki standing next to me. Once upon a time I used to have a tan, it was lovely because it meant everybody couldn't see my veins, but then I started uni and became addicted to the internet and now I live in constant fear of the sun. Mostly because I have European heritage and start turning pink within 15 minutes of being outside.

Secondly, I've always lived by the hypothetical question: Would you rather die in extreme heat or extreme cold?
Well considering the extreme pain one experiences when they are boiled alive, the uncomfortable feeling you get when you have all-over sunburn and the possible inclusion of fire, I'll take freezing to death any day of the week. It's like falling asleep in bed, except you have frostbite and you'll never wake up again.

Thirdirdirdly: While in summer there is always the appeal of skimpy bikini wearing ladies and finely chiselled men walking around the beaches, as well as short-shorts and singlets galore, you get that icky sweat induced feeling that constantly sticks to you no matter how hard you try to get it off.
Compare that to winter, where you get to wrap up all toasty in fur blankets and fluffy apparel that feels like you are wearing kittens on your feet:


I can hear PETA screaming from here

There are many more reasons as to why I much prefer winter to summer, some of them are rather sexy, and others involve tactical zombie defence, but the point I'm trying to make is, if you live in a hot country, in a hot state, with constant sunshine and no snow:

YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT F**KING 'COLD' MEANS!!!

It's about 20 degrees Celsius where I am at the moment and the only thing that's different is I'm wearing socks with my t-shirt and jeans while everyone else is wearing jackets, beanies, wool caps and probably thermal underwear.

Although they could be hipsters.


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