Saturday, June 9, 2012

Imaginary Conversation With Myself #3

It's end of semester here in Brisbane, and it's about that time where everyone is hard at work studying for their finals or pouring their heart and soul into giant research assignments.

I am currently doing the latter.

But, of course, because of my very short attention span I have no desire to do this final piece of assessment, and it's getting to that point where you start calculating exactly how much time you have left to complete it before you have to hand it in. Currently, that's 29 hours, 18 minutes and 36 . . . 35 . . 34 seconds.

Despite my imminent deadline, my brain is not cooperating.

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Me:  Come on man, we seriously need to get this assignment done. It's worth 50% of our grade.

Brain:  But you haven't done your laundry yet. That's really important. You should do that right now.

Me:  I did it two days ago. I do not need to do it again.  

Brain:  Well now would be a good time to organise the files on your desk. They are looking a bit messy. 

Me:  No. 

Brain:  COME ON! It's so annoying, they're all out of order, and, and you should really get them straightened out. Right now. Do it. Right now. 

Me:  No. We are doing this assignment. Stop trying to come up with ways to procrastinate.  

Brain:  But I'm so goooooood at it. Can't we just get something to eat? 

Me:  We just had breakfast. Literally 5 minutes ago. I can still taste the pancakes. 

Brain:  How delicious are pancakes, right? Have you looked up that recipe for apple and cinnamon crepes yet? I remember you wanted to do that. You should look it up now. I'll just open google in a new tab for y- 

Me:  NO! What is wrong with you today?! During the holidays you're all like 'Oh, why can't we be doing uni work, I'm so bored' But now we ACTUALLY have something to do you can't concentrate.

Brain:  I'm sorry! It's just . . . I know you have something to do you don't really want to finish, so I'm helping you come up with more fun things to do. 

Me:  . . . like doing laundry? 

Brain:  It's not my fault! 

Me: Really? Really?! Then who's is it?! 

Attention Span:  Yeah. Ah, this may be my fault. 

Me: Woah, you can talk? 

Attention Span:  What? Your brain's allowed to talk to you but I can't? Pfft, a**hole. 

Me: Hey, hey! I'm just saying . . . okay, sorry. 

Attention Span:  Thank you. *Ahem* Yeah so this is my fault. I'm not very helpful. 

Brain:  Told you it wasn't my fault. 

Me:  Shut up. A-Span, what the hell dude. I really need to finish this assignment. Why can't you just be interested in it?

A-Span:  It's an essay! Do you know how many essays you have written over the years?! Too f**king many! I'm sick of writing these bulls**t essays and their mother-f**king dumb*** topics about some god DAMN pointless subject! I'm sick of it!

Me:  . . . woah dude, I . . . I didn't know you felt that way. 

A-Span:  Well now you do, b***h. Go play Skyrim to say sorry. 

Brain:  Hey! Why are you listening to him? I wanted to do things before him but you weren't listening!

Me: A-Span's been through a lot. . . 

Brain:  Oh that's BULLS**T! He's been distracting you this entire semester! Not to mention all the other times you have ever been in a classroom! At least my distractions were only temporary! Sorting the papers on your desk would be productive and quick! What would Skyrim achieve? 

A-Span:  Daedric armour achievement. 

Brain:  F**k you, A-Span. You are such a douche, you short motherf**ker. 

A-Span:  Oh! Oh! You want some of me a**hole! Bring it! I will f**k your mushy a** up so hard not even a zombie would want to eat it! 

Brain:  Bring it on, Donkey Kong!

Me:  Would you two cut it out! I have an assignment due tomorrow, very little time to finish it, and too many god damn distractions as it is!

Brain:  . . . he started it.

Me: Shut up.

A-Span:  Sucker.

Brain:  F**k you. 

Me:  Okay here's the deal. You two shut the f**k up for a little while and help me, and I'll listen to some music while I work. Or, you continue to be idiots and I listen to only Nickelback and Glee covers.

Brain:  Oh god, you don't have to go that far. We weren't really going to fight. 

 A-Span:  Pussy . . .

Brain:  COME AT ME BRO! 

A-Span:  SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FRONTAL LOBE FATASS!

Me: I'm putting on 'How you remind me'.

Brain: NODON'TDOITWE'LLBEHAVE! 

A-Span:  Truce! Truce! For f**k sake just don't put it on. 

Me:  Good. Now start concentrating. We've got a long day ahead of us.



*

And that's the story of how Nickeback saved my education. Now stop reading this and go do something productive.



3 comments:

  1. Oh my god, you are the funniest!

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's awesome just plain brilliant. Great work.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That there was a really great punchline. XD

    ReplyDelete