I then realised that I shouldn't have to apologies to imaginary fans of my insanity for my online absences as I go off and find happiness with other non-internet related outlets.
So here are some excuses as to why I haven't been around so much lately and for all the times I am away in the future.
They may or may not be slightly fabricated.
Reasons I Have Not Been Online Recently
- I was fighting the angry family of badgers that live in my roof
- Giving birth to an alien baby while trying to get its father to pay child support
- Creating an army of eye-gouging lorikeets who are attracted to sugar and shattered dreams
- Doctor Who finally decided he wanted a companion who wasn't English and asked for my thoughts on Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey stuff.
- I was knitting a neck warmer for an unusually cold giraffe called Felix
- My pimp made me work an extra week to cover the costs of the drive-by I caused
- It was my birthday and I wanted to ride a whale
- I was mauled by an unusually cold giraffe after attempting to wrap a hand-knitted neck warmer around his legs
- I accidental became the new monarch of Narnia while exploring an old trunk I thought only contained broken umbrellas
- I tried to get Penguin-Ball accepted as a legitimate sport
- Became a pop sensation using only songs real teenagers would know about before getting fired trying to make a rock song about stepping on Lego instead
- Forgot how to open doors for a few days
- Super-glued my tongue to a ceiling fan
- Joined an all-harmonica jazz band
- Have had no reason to procrastinate since finishing university for the semester
- Got distracted watching Stephen Lynch performing at the El Ray on loop for six days
- Reached enlightenment, became a messiah, tried to get my book on life published but was rejected due to the size of the stones I have carved them on
- Car broke down while driving home from a cult meeting and was forced to spend three days trying not to get murdered while finding a spare tyre
- Learnt to speak Russian
- Got a new job
Now obviously not everything in this list happened. I definitely don't have a job.