Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Going Out In Style

For reasons I cannot explain I have been thinking about death quite a lot lately. Not in an I'm-going-to-kill-myself-oh-cruel-world kind of way; more like the I-wonder-what-the-best-way-to-get-killed-would-be-? kind of way.

It's one of those common discussions you jokingly have with your friends, asking each other how you would want to die. In a flaming car crash. Gorging on KFC's popcorn chicken. At a Justin Beiber concert with blood dripping from your ears. While it remains a hot topic of conversation, I'm putting some genuine thought into this list.

So in no particular order I present to you my list of:

(This should in no way be a guide for people trying to kill themselves. At the most it should just give you some helpful tips)

Heroic Annihilation

This includes but is not limited to: Sacrificing yourself so your loved ones/ team-mates/ alliance may have a chance of survival. There must be some sort of extremely amazing explosion, people screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO" and the eventual triumph of your side.
Think things like lazer guns and car chases where there is a dramatic slow motion close up on your face as it fills with heroic resolve. And then you drive the giant semi-truck right into the mouth of the giant slug monster saving the entire planet in the process. You shall forever be immortalised as the Slug-Master and will probably get a statue built in your honour. The local pigeons will thank you for it. 

Exhibit A:

Damn you onions!

Extreme Gluttony

Everyone has a favourite food. The food that, if possible, you would just constantly shove down your gullet or have injected directly into your stomach for the rest of your life. Personally, if I could eat marinated chicken wings for the rest of my life with no ramifications, I would. But I can't. And neither can you. So if you are going to die with food in your mouth, make it delicious and/or extravagant. 
I would consider dying of extreme gluttony in the following ways:

  • Drowning in a bathtub of delicious alcohol. Possibly with strawberries floating around
  • Chocolate related injuries
  • Progressively replacing my blood with alcohol through one hell of a binge
  • Eating a piece of Wonka's magical 3 Course Meal gum and turning into a blueberry
  • I suppose you could count sexing yourself to death and
  • Something like this:

Honourable Demise

Much like the common Samurai, I too would find an honourable fight to the death a source of great pride in my final moments.

Much like the common Anime, I too would like it to be as drawn out, dramatic and as full as flashbacks as possible.

So what I'm trying to get at is, if I were to die in a one on one fight, I would very much like it to go down as if I were a character in Naruto, Bleach, One Piece, Dragon Ball Z, or any other badass Japanese cartoon where dying is harder than The Hulk's nipples. Except Pokemon. Or Hentai. Good god I don't want to die in a hentai snuff film. Tentacles everywhere.

. . . That got weird really fast.

In a similar fashion (and most often after viewing an action film or reading one of Matthew Reilly's novels) I'd like to have one last hurrah before I get gutted like Sunday night's fish dinner. I don't care if it's to save someone I love, or to ensure the solid gold platypus is returned to its magical rainbow pedestal in the mountains of Gib. I want to kick some ass before my ass gets kicked. See how many zombies I can decapitate before I get bitten, how far I can get after stealing a tank, all that smooth jazz.

It may not be honourable, but it would be paying homage to every awesome action film ever made. (This one's for you Bruce Willis).

Become A Super Villain

This guy! Eh? Eh?!

It's definitely not because I've been watching a lot of horror and action films of late, but some super villains, the super amazing super duper super villains, are kind of kick ass. And I am highly aware I have been using that expression a lot in this particular post, but I cannot think of another term I would rather be called if I was a super villain.

I want to be a Kick Ass Super Villain. I want to be the Joker but less in love with Batman. I want to be Hannibal Lector, but without the eating people. I want to be Lex Luther, but without the giant ego and bald head.

You're probably thinking "But dude, do you really want to kill all humanity/ destroy the earth/ unmask the Bat?" And you'd be right. Partially. But for me to explain my plans to rule the world would involve a lot of mad-monologue space that would be put to better use as material for another blog post (cough cough).

To put it simply, I like the idea of dedicating my unstable mind to shaking the very foundations of human civilization itself, only to be stopped by a hero who learns a valuable lesson about life, love and ice-cream on the way. My destruction would lead to a better understanding of the world and therefore I would be a secret hero, rather than a villain.

Also, Batman is Bruce Wayne. Shocked? I know I am.


And finally (mostly because I've lost concentration on the overall point of this post) here is a list of ridiculous, strange, disgusting, or adorable ways to get killed. You can bet I will be adding to this list regularly.

  • Speared through the chest with a javelin/ spear/ 2x4/ sword
  • Smothered by puppies
  • Spontaneous Combustion
  • Explosive tumor
  • Sex-related exhaustion (broken pelvis)
  • Incinerated by dragon
  • Thrown into the sun
  • Frozen solid by a freeze ray
  • Disintegration
  • Mummified alive
  • First person ever to be eaten by a baby dolphin
  • Swallowed whole by a hippo
  • Shot by a deer with a rifle (Bambi vengeance)
  • Jumping Castle explosion 
  •  Force into a whale's vagina

How would you like to die?



  2. my high school friend and I decided when we ruled the world we would sentence people to death by whale. The blue whale vagina can be 8 feet long, that is definitely not the way I want to go.

    1. Definitely a good punishment for the wicked though. Adding it to the list.