Friday, August 24, 2012

I Now Pronounce You Man and Android




Everyone is so upset about gay marriage. Why? Humans marrying humans isn't a problem.
Humans marrying animals is a problem.
Humans marrying inanimate objects is a bigger problem.

But humans marrying machines is a huge problem.
Huge.
Tyrannosaurus Rex on steroids huge.
And I am heavily concerned about our future and the ramifications of the cybernasty that's going to occur once humanity has perfected the art of sexifying personal computers. They are literally going to become 'personal' computers. The vibrate function on your phone just got a whole lot more disturbing.

I suffer from Robohomophobia. The fear of human-robot relationships. While I feel my fear would be best expressed in a poorly thought out and terribly written television advertisement with lots of desperate actors and dark clouds, I'll just explain some of the reasons why our descendents should not get freaky with the machinery.

"Chobits": Of course Japan made a show about sexy robots. Why are you surprised?


Robots are going to kill us eventually if we aren't careful. Just look at any science fiction action film that may or may not star Arnold Schwarzenegger or Will Smith. So what's the best place for them to try and attack you?

In your bed.
When you are naked.
And enjoying post coital bliss.

BAM! You're dead.

Anyone who has seen the Stepford Wives might think it's a great idea to convert their wife/partner into a perfect, obedient, and for some reason always blonde robot with vibrating settings. You want something that vibrates that you don't have to cuddle afterwards, go for a fleshlight. Believe me, after a while, you're going to get bored with your constantly smiling giant furby; just like every child does once they've figured out the new features on their Christmas toy. Then it's "Oh I need a new toy. Mine is so boring and outdated!" You can bet Apple will be squealing with joy at the profits they can earn from the iBot 4s (The 4s stands for 4 levels of suction. Giggity).

Let's say for a moment, hypothetically, that it becomes socially acceptable to have le sexy timez with a robot. In fact, it's the new biggest fad. Anyone who is anyone is going to be getting it on with their sexybot 3000.

But who are the whos who of the whos who? Who? Rich bitches, that's who.

It can be safely assumed that unless they are generic, poorly constructed and mass produced, these robots are going to be expensive as f**k. (Refer to Surrogates). (The movie with Bruce Willis, not the women who charge rent for their womb). Only the rich and upper middle class are going to be enjoying the companionship of these rubbery vibatrons, and possibly computer nerds such as myself who are going to build their own, just like they do for their desktops.

So that leaves the poor middle class with good old fashion high speed internet and moisturiser.



But if you actually consider who the rich and successful are: those who have succeeded in life, the fact that they may choose to spend the rest of their lavish lives with a computer instead of breeding is going to have a bad effect on population.

If the people who build these robots then solely use them for selfish purposes, then there will be no breeding. Population will decrease only in the higher class area, meaning there are more opportunities for the lower class to find work. They too will earn enough money to afford their own robot companion (who will probably be considered the award for reaching success), and then stop breeding themselves.

  • Robots outnumber humans
  • A computer virus the inevitable evil terrorist/villain/asshole will turn all robots evil
  • Humanity is wiped out
  • Survivors feel stupid for being so sexually depraved
  • Guilt
  • Robots win

On a serious side, have a bit of a read. Gay marriage doesn't sound so bad now, does it?

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