Thursday, September 13, 2012

What Not to Do When Running From Zombies

I've been watching a lot of The Walking Dead. A lot. Not only did I watch the complete series in under a few days, I also watched Hannah from the Yogscast play all the currently released episodes of The Walking Dead game. I've generally just been absorbing as much zombie related material as possible. I'm morbid like that.

Watching all these wonderfully gory sources of entertainment, I have learned many things. As you have probably guessed by the title, this post contains the multitude of things one should not do while experiencing a Zombie Apocalypse.

Because for some reason everyone in The Walking Dead is a f**king idiot. Except for Daryl. And Dale. But mostly Daryl.


Ellendara presents: The list of completely stupid and idiotic things to do during a Zombie Apocalypse. (In no particular order of retardation)

1. DO NOT Have unprotected sex
It's like Lori wants everyone to know she's a slut. I understand that condoms, birth control pills, and other methods of contraception all have expiration dates, but seriously guys, you're not teenagers. The main point of sex is to make a baby. If you don't want a baby, don't have sex. Especially when you can barely survive by yourself. Keep it in your pants.

2. DO NOT Expect to avoid killing
Things are going to die. You're being chased by dead things. It's literally kill or be killed. No time to be all "Erhmergard I can't kill it! It used to be a person! I don't care if it's currently eating my brother's face, it used to be alive!" Well it's not any more. And now neither is your brother because you let the zombie eat his face. Good job Mr. Ignorance. 

3. DO NOT Keep children around
I'm not saying shoot them in the face to put them out of their misery. But I'm not saying you shouldn't gag them, put a leash on them and keep them tied up in the boot of the car so they don't get hurt. Children are innocent. Children are the future. Children are going to get you eaten when you are trying to hide from a herd of zombies and the little s**t starts crying. It's going to happen. Either that or you're going to tell them to stay put and you just KNOW they're going to wander off right into a nest of flesh gobblers. Then you have to shoot them in the face anyway because they got bit.

4. DO NOT Expect civility 
It's the end of the world, do you honestly believe that people are going to say "please" and "thank you" and invite your filthy, blood-stained, gun wielding band of survivors into their house for tea and biscuits? Because that seems like a great idea to me (the italics mean I'm being super sarcastic). When the zombie apocalypse hits, I'm going into rape defence mode. That means knives will be attached to every single part of my body, no more long hair, and my version of "you're welcome" will be me not pointing a gun at your head.

5. DO NOT Look for family and friends
Unless your father happens to be a Commanding Officer in the military and has a tank. Then by god,  run home to daddy as fast as you can. But seeing as 99% of the human population do not have access to relatives with heavy artillery, it's probably safe to assume your family is dead. The fact that you are alive is a damn miracle, be grateful. If your family and friends have the tiniest shred of common sense, they won't waste time and resources looking for you. Get out. Get out now. Get out fast. Call mummy later.

6. DO NOT Argue with your group
It's like people instantly forget they are being hunted by living corpses when they are momentarily out of danger. Seriously! Who gives a shit if you don't get along with the crazy chick who keeps saying you should stay on the road. Yes she's annoying. Yes she is wrong about everything. But be thankful she isn't trying to turn you into a dinner. Zombies first, fools later. Worst comes to worst, you can "accidentally" shoot them when you get attacked by zombies. Whoops.

7. DO NOT Give attitude
Good for you, you're a young man fresh out of puberty who has just learnt how to use a gun. That doesn't mean you are right about everything. I'd rather listen to the person who's had the most experience living instead of the kid who thinks he knows combat tactics because he plays a lot of Call of Duty. Congratulations, you had the highest kill score in the game. Guess what? Your friends are all zombies and you'll probably have to shoot them in the head sooner or later. With that in mind, try making tactical decisions without your emotions getting in the way. Drop the attitude, use common sense, and pull your god damn skinny jeans up, or they'll fall down and get you killed.

8. DO NOT Care about your appearance
It's the end of the world, nobody gives a crap if you shirt is last season. Anything with blood splatter, sweat and gunpowder is in season. It's called Apocalypse. And if you find your hair getting in the way, or you need to shave, or your shoes look old: cut the hair, let the beard grow, and suck it up. Nobody makes shoes any more. Whatever you are wearing is what you are going to be wearing for the rest of your life. Another reason why low riding skinny jeans are a terrible idea.

9. DO NOT Abandon your morality
Anyone who jumps straight to suicide, cannibalism or violent criminal-like gangs are idiots. Just because bad sh*t is happening doesn't mean you should start eating people. If you get stuck in a corner with no escape with only one bullet, sure, eat a bullet. Don't do it because you think your family might be dead but can't be sure and all hope is lost blah blah blah. And don't just go around destroying things because you can. Pretty soon you're going to run out of things to break, and then you'll just be a bunch of cannibalistic, suicidal dick heads wondering why you have no friends. It's because you eat people. That's why you have no friends.

  • Don't be a dick
  • Don't have sex
  • Abandon your civility
  • Keep your morality
  • Keep a close eye on the kids
  • Don't eat people
  • And don't be a dick (I can't stress that enough)
Have you all got this down now? Good. Now just get yourself a gun and an outlet for your impending mental breakdown and you should be fine and dandy to sit out the apocalypse in relative comfort. 
(I'm using 'relative' very, very loosely)

Enjoy you apocalypse people. And try not to get eaten.


  1. i totally agree about the children.

    1. Why Carl from the Walking Dead isn't dead yet, I cannot fathom.