Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Plural for Dildo

This is going to be a NSFW post, but it's something everyone is interested in. Or at least should be interested in.

You know those seedy looking brick buildings tucked away down the side of an alley? Every small town has one, and every city has a few; if you know where to look. And it's something every child wonders what it's for, every teenager wonders what treasures it holds, and every adult wonders if the items are tax deductible.

Yes I'm talking about the Love Shack of power tools. The after hours costume shop. The purveyor of perverted goods.

If you still haven't gotten it yet, I went to a sex shop. Get it now? Good. Moving on.

After finally exploring the inside (oh god I'm going to try not to make so many unintentional puns in this post) I can't help but wonder about the lifestyle of the sex shop market.

Is it a big market? Are the customers all seedy middle-aged men with an affinity for trench coats? Who develops all these things? Why are there so many dildoes? How do you pluralise dildoes? Dildos'? Dildies? Dildeese? I really don't want to know. That's a lie. I do. I am far too curious about this raunchy subject. Hooray for me.

Serious business. Serious penis-related business.

First thing you notice when entering through the seedy back alley doorway perfectly positioned for anonymity, is the sheer range of naughty merchandise. They had about 4 walls and 2 tables devoted to rubber phalluses. Seriously, it was wall-to-wall rubber dick action. I like to think there is a laboratory somewhere fill with sexy women in underwear and lab coats designing the best penis-shapped objects for pleasure. Sciene could use some sexifying. But honestly, who came up with the idea to make rubber moulds of a penis?

People who were tired of the wooden ones. Ha! *Budum Tss* I am hilarious.

The next thing you notice is the older gentleman standing at said table of runner phalluses. While I was not surprised to find a lone male over the age of 30 in the store, I was surprised he wasn't wearing a trench coat and panting heavily. Aren't stereotypes fun?



Although what really surprised me was how un-seedy the place actually was. If you ignored the great wall of cock and vast array of blind-folds, flails and ball-gags, the store had a quaint atmosphere. I can easily see couples, young and old, having a wander around. It's not like it's all pornography and bongs, there are other things too. Condoms for one. Lots of condoms. Safety first, kids. There were also a large range of corsets, mesh and lace gowns more see-through than cling-wrap.

A piece of advice for men who hate shopping with woman: take her shopping for a corset or a nurses costume. When she comes out of the dressing room and asks if the satin and mesh navy blue nightie with matching g-string makes her look fat, your answer will most likely be "I don't know but your tits look Ah-may-zing". On the flip side, ladies, if you find something that makes him start drooling, buy it instantly. Think of it as a two-way gift you can both enjoy.

The collar doesn't match the cuffs but who gives a f**k? BOOBS!

I was always curious as to why there were so many of the stores around my area. Obviously they had to be making a decent income otherwise they would have been shut down by now. So does that mean that everyone in my neighbourhood/city/country is okay with having a corner store that sells chewable items not necessarily gum? Because that would be awesome, not gonna lie. It means there is a large percentage of residents who enjoy sex and think a little pleasure enhancer isn't a problem once in a while.

So while you go check out your local house of lust and sin, I'm going to look up the plural to dildo.

2 comments:

  1. I was 18 when I first visited a sex shop and I was surprised with all the stuff inside the private shop.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Have you considered the possibility that a very few customers consume an incredible amount of merchandise?

    Me neither.

    ReplyDelete