Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Pringles > Sexy

I never do that New Years Resolution stuff.

I am firm believer that if you think you should "Eat less and exercise more" then you shouldn't have to wait for the social pressure of a new solar rotation to push you into doing the right thing.

That being said I'm not the healthiest person around and it takes a great deal of stress, pressure or just random acts of boredom for me to participate in something that doesn't involve chocolate covered anything. Although, in my defense, I have recently been introduced to chocolate covered pretzels and one horribly unhealthy thing with another. But do you see how easy it is for food to take over your life?

I am not motivating myself. I don't particularly need to. I get enough exercise from my job that I don't gain weight from my daily diet. Unless of course it's the holiday season and I need to eat three birthday cakes and 4 family dinners in less than a month.

WHY MUST WE CELEBRATE WITH FOOD?!

Because it's delicious, that's why. And one of the greatest achievements in human history. There should be a public holiday in the name of that lone homo erectus who paused while eating his mammoth steak and wondered: "Maybe if we eat the mammoth AND the berries together, it will taste twice as delicious!"

A real revelation occurred that day and now it's considered odd to eat a main meal without at least 3 different ingredients. Personally I would choose berry-covered mammoth steak any day of the week, but that might just be because I have a personal goal to try the meat of every animal in the world before I die. I support diversity so much I want to eat everything in the world no matter how scaly or horror inducing. I'm talking to you, deep fried grasshopper! Oh yes.

The only problem with this wonderful habit of celebrating with food is that we don't need to catch the mammoth anymore. We can get it hand delivered or made for us. So all that energy we are supposed to be expending running around chucking spears at things isn't getting used.

I propose 3 solutions to this problem:

1) Zombie Apocalypse

This may be my solution to most social problems but I still believe it's a good one. It's an especially good solution if the zombies in question are the type who can sprint. Watch yourself just lose those extra pounds! Because if you don't burn it off, it gets bitten off!

2) Introduce A New Dominant Species

If you liked the first solution, you're going to like this one! If Jurassic park hadn't been set on an island, and maybe a remote area in the mountains instead, I think Sam Neil and Jeff Goldblum wouldn't be marvelling at the majesty of those ancient beasts when they suddenly realise they've just introduced one of the most badass predators back into the food chain: Velociraptors.

I'm not saying it has to be dinosaurs, but if we lived in fear of being eaten by something bigger every day, I think we would spend far less time on the internet, and far more time learning how to turn your Macbook into your own personal set of iArmour.

3)  Add Some Exercise Into Your Routine

"Oh but Lauren, I don't have time to get exercise, I'm too busy working and studying and playing with my three adorable children before I go out socialising with my friends. How will I ever be able to make time?"

First of all, you sound stupid, and secondly, nobody can "make time" for anything. It's just a matter of turning exercise into something you can't go a day without doing. Like right now, you're on the computer. And if you are reading this, there is a high probability you are not doing anything productive. So why not do some squats while you're browsing. You can still read, just get out of your chair and go up and down and up and down and squeeze 1, 2, squeeze, 1 , 2. Do a push up while a video is loading, hell just stand up and stretch your legs, it's not that god damn hard. Don't find the time, put the exercise into your time.

I do also, offer a 4th option. It's a pretty crazy thing to do and not many health magazines like to push the method because it's dangerous and could lead to a number of side effects*. It's called Not Giving a Shit.

I usually only adopt this method when new fads come in which superficial people like to gloat about loudly while they drink their morning skim-soy-non-fat-half-caf-grande-extra-shot coffee in the mornings. Generally it sounds a lot like "Oh you look so tired dear! You should try this great knew prehistoric diet I'm on! I cut out all grains and dairy products as well as any foods that come from areas not associated with my genetic past! That way I'm only eating the same foods my ancestors ate when they were surviving through the stone age or whatever. It's suuuuuper healthy. I've only fainted from malnutrition, like, four times this week. It's better than my vegan month when I was in hospital for anemia after the first week!"

I don't care. There is no way I could possibly care less. And I also don't take advice from people in magazines paid to write something new about diets every month when nothing really changes. Surprisingly, unless science has discovered something (and I mean science as in the smart people devoting time to unlocking the secrets to long life not "dietitians" or "nutritionists" who suck money from insecure women) then I'm not going to go out and buy 1'000 kg of Quinoa because it's a super grain bound to improve my well being by 110%; never eaten it before and somehow I'm still alive... I don't believe that kids should be forced to eat what their parents eat either, or are forbidden to eat fat. Kids can eat whatever the hell they want as long as it's natural and moderated. Especially fat. Diets are stupid unless you are actually referring to your DIETary needs.

And I'm not even kidding about the prehistoric diet thing. That's a real diet. People actually believe that eating like our ancestors did thousands of years ago when we were still developing the wheel and basically ate whatever we picked up off the ground is a good idea. It's not. Humans have evolved since then. And while it's probably a good idea to cut back on the dairy if you get a bit gassy, it's alright to enjoy the occasional slice of cheesecake. Don't pay any attention to what people in magazines make up, and the stress will just melt right off!

Good thing those diet fad people will be dead from iron deficiency in a few weeks.

Only joking.

Maybe.



*Side effects may include, but are not limited to: 
Happiness, a greater sense of entitlement, overall life satisfaction, excessive sweating, sporadic hair growth, increased oil production, high self-esteem, longer-life span, less stress, more friends, enlightenment, a free donut, stronger nails, a cleaner car, I may be making some of these up, more energy, reduced social anxiety, increased gaming time, +5 cooking skills, true love, keys to a brand new car!, and flatulence.

2 comments:

  1. So, you want to try the meat of every animal? That's got me curios.. What's the strangest thing you've ever eaten?

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    1. I would have to say Kangaroo. It's my national animal and it tastes pretty much like a sweet steak. I have yet to eat emu but I'm hoping the chicken legs are enormous!

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