Apologies for No Apologies

I was just about to start writing this huge heartfelt apology to all the the 7 people who read my blog on a daily basis (who usually aren't the same people) about how I haven't been posting much lately.

I then realised that I shouldn't have to apologies to imaginary fans of my insanity for my online absences as I go off and find happiness with other non-internet related outlets.

So here are some excuses as to why I haven't been around so much lately and for all the times I am away in the future.

They may or may not be slightly fabricated.

Reasons I Have Not Been Online Recently

 

1. I was fighting the angry family of badgers that live in my roof
2. Giving birth to an alien baby while trying to get its father to pay child support
3. Creating an army of eye-gouging lorikeets who are attracted to sugar and shattered dreams
4. Doctor Who finally decided he wanted a companion who wasn't English and asked for my thoughts on Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey stuff.
5. I was knitting a neck warmer for an unusually cold giraffe called Felix
6. My pimp made me work an extra week to cover the costs of the drive-by I caused
7. It was my birthday and I wanted to ride a whale
8. I was mauled by an unusually cold giraffe after attempting to wrap a hand-knitted neck warmer around his legs
9. I accidental became the new monarch of Narnia while exploring an old trunk I thought only contained broken umbrellas
10. I tried to get Penguin-Ball accepted as a legitimate sport
11. Became a pop sensation using only songs real teenagers would know about before getting fired trying to make a rock song about stepping on Lego instead
12. Forgot how to open doors for a few days
13. Super-glued my tongue to a ceiling fan
14. Joined an all-harmonica jazz band
15. Have had no reason to procrastinate since finishing university for the semester
16. Got distracted watching Stephen Lynch performing at the El Ray on loop for six days
17. Reached enlightenment, became a messiah, tried to get my book on life published but was rejected due to the size of the stones I have carved them on
18. Car broke down while driving home from a cult meeting and was forced to spend three days trying not to get murdered while finding a spare tyre
19. Learnt to speak Russian
20. Got a new job

Now obviously not everything in this list happened. I definitely don't have a job.